As I was growing up, the generation gap with my grandmother widened, I stopped taking her seriously. My parents’ marriage was volatile and my mother expressed bitter criticism not only about my father’s character but about the “hypocrisy” of the Old Believers in general. The gap between my intellectual and spiritual developments grew into a void.
By the time I was in my 20s I regularly suffered from bouts of depression. At the time I was convinced that only concern for my young sons kept me from committing suicide. The time had come when even that was not enough to keep me going and then, at last, I cried out to Him “O, God, I cannot take it anymore!” As soon as this was uttered, I felt as if a fine fabric brushed briefly over my shoulders and my pain was gone. Life went on exactly as before, with the usual ups and downs, but I was never suicidal again.
It took another 20 years for me to find a most reliable cure for depression. Last year, when X (a family member) had caused me to have a breakdown, my usually poor ability to concentrate on prayers became non-existent. I would read the words and my mind would be elsewhere. I tried to pray little and often, - was not much better. I started practicing repetition of a short prayer through the day whenever I could remember. It was surprisingly comforting. After a while the prayer was often continuously on the back of my mind, as if on its own accord. With it came relief from anxieties and a profound peace of mind I did not remember ever to have experienced. But, when my mind was preoccupied with other things, bursts of anger and bizarre disturbing thoughts, very much along the lines of deadly sins, started flashing through my mind completely out of the blue. Scientifically educated fool that I am, I concluded that I must be going mad. Fortunately, the book “The Art of Prayer” came to my attention.
St Theophan The Recluse eloquently explained: “When the grace does not dwell in man, demons curl like serpents in the depths of his heart, completely preventing the soul from desiring good; but when grace enters the soul, then these demons are blown about like dark clouds from one part of the heart to another, transforming themselves into sinful passions or distractions, in order to eclipse the remembrance of God and draw the mind away from discourse with grace.” “...scientists constantly miss the truth – it is because they work only with their head,” he also wrote more then a hundred years ago.
Now every school child is a scientist. Modern education (even in the West, where schools still have religious education lessons) is based on “scientific” way of thinking. Children are taught to expect a scientific explanation for everything and, unfortunately, to dismiss or even ridicule any concept that modern science is powerless to explain.
Even medicine has been stripped of its traditional deeply philosophical basis; doctors are under orders to practise “evidence based medicine” and use “treatment protocols.” If a patient’s needs do not fit into a protocol, that’s too bad! The Hippocratic Oath, stipulating “I will do no harm,” has been ignored in favour of commercial interests and public convenience. Abortions and cosmetic surgery would not have been such common procedures otherwise.
Young parents, particularly Eastern Europeans, who had received their share of atheistic Marxism during their schooling, as well as being customised to the scientific way of thinking, arrive in the West to face the idols of materialism. Their children, who are quick in getting accustomed to western life, tell the parents:
“You did not go to English school, you do not know...”
“None of my school friends go to church, why should I?”
“If you make me, I’ll tell the teacher”
“Why should I go to church, if I do not want to?”
The last one is very hard to answer if you yourself go in response to a longing, a feeling unsupported by logical or indeed “scientific” reasons. How can you explain to a young child that you follow the call of your soul, when you yourself do not know it?
