The Shepherd, February 2009
THE RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
By Archpriest S. Shchukin
RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING WITHIN THE FAMILY (cont’d)
You yourselves have to assess as parents how, as the child grows, you have to increase within them not only an outward ritual piety, but an inner relationship with God, which must find expression in righteousness, humility, guilelessness and an ability to forgive offences, and so on. If you add to this what is customary for Orthodox families, attendance at the Divine services, the keeping of the fasts, observance of the feasts, etc, then for the child there will be established a pleasant atmosphere in which his education can continue uninterrupted, and which would make any corporal punishment unnecessary.
If we compare this method of upbringing with other methods, which exclude Christian belief, then we shall see that they have to resort to shouting, shaking, long and tedious harangues, which nonetheless do not touch either the feelings or the will of the child. Isn’t this why children from various families are do distinctly different from each other? In one case, they are affectionate, trustworthy, sensitive to what is good and kindly towards others; in another, they are sullen, untrustworthy, heartless towards others, and unrestrained in their demands, and not susceptible to any threat. A Godless and purely outward education of a child will always deprive him of the most precious, and the most exalted human qualities.
In all kinds of education, and especially in the religious, the greatest attention must be paid not to the words, not to the punishments, but to example which is shown. The conduct and the disposition of the people closest to the child will, every day and every hour, act upon his soul. Usually our children interact with two groups of people: those in their own home and others - school companions, neighbours and simply people “on the street.” The family strives to give the child a good example, but on the other hand children at school, neighbours and street kids might give him bad examples. This does not mean that the family must cut off all communication with the world around - such a policy would artificially alienate the child from the surrounding world and thus deprive him of necessary preparation for life therein; for this a child needs contact with his contemporaries, otherwise he will become a loner and a misfit. But in escaping the stronger influences from this side, the family must strive to make the impressions he gains within the family stronger than other influences. You must ensure that the child befriends acquaintances who are closer to him in spirit, with those who are acceptable to his family.
So that the family can have such a decisive influence on the soul of the child, it is absolutely essential that, on their part, they unremittingly set a good example. We can list the following requirements which the parents must fulfil: 1) love their children; 2) treat them fairly, and 3) be consistent in their behaviour - “Start as you mean to go on.” Undertaking these obligations, which are not easy, the parents must bear in mind their responsibility for the souls of the children. We often see that young parents, trying to give their children a good example, begin to tighten up, to watch themselves, and study to improve themselves. Such an attitude of parents towards their children is summed up by the words of one of the writers, namely: “Not only do the parents educate their children, but the children educate their parents.”
The task of educating them religiously demands a particular self- possession. Children will notice anything that is insincere in the way their parents direct them or in their own conduct. When both parents are believing people, one will not encounter any greater difficulty. But if one of the parents is lukewarm about religion, then it is better if the more religious parent takes on their religious upbringing, because the other parent had better not meddle in this aspect of their education. If neither of the parents feel capable to take on the religious upbringing of their children, then you must entrust this responsibility to another believing adult in the family - to granny, auntie, or the godmother.
What the parents must particularly beware of is arguments about the question of the children’s upbringing. Every difference in opinion between the parents will harmfully affect the children; their souls will be divided; they will not know whom to listen to. Therefore one must never criticise each other or quarrel in front of the children. If the children observe differences in opinion between the parents, they will certainly use this for their own purposes; they will pay attention to the one who demands less of them.
Generally, the parents must be very careful in their conversations in front of their children. Some think, for the little ones “it’s all the same, they don’t understand.” But a child, even when he cannot as yet comprehend with his mind, interiorly grasps the content of a conversation, and this can give his thoughts an undesirable jolt. In such a way one can harm the child’s soul or rouse questions there which it will be difficult to answer. It is better not to discuss certain things in front of the children, to avoid making sarcastic comments about people, so as not to seem to be disrespectful about anyone whom he reveres (for instance criticism of his teachers or of the clergy, and so on). We must remember the words of Christ about those who offend “one of these little ones.”
… to be continued in the next issue
with “Concerning Coercion in Upbringing”
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